Broken

I have recently realized something about myself. I think it is something that is scary to admit and hard to fix. Maybe that is the reason that I have never let myself verbalize it or even truly ponder it. I don't let myself grieve. I may express hurt or sadness, but not for long. I bury it quickly. I tell myself that I am strong and that I need to move on and I do. However, what I am realizing is that I don't truly "move on" - I supress the feelings and bury them somewhere deep inside. Then in times when I am feeling lonely or sorry for myself these buried feelings bubble up and make me feel even more terrible.

Why do I do this to myself? Why can't I just be sad and work through my feelings? Why? Well because people expect me to be me - they don't like it when I am sad. They NEED me to be okay. They NEED me to be happy go lucky. They expect me to put on a brave face and move forward no matter what. And I have been doing it for so long that I don't know how to do anything more.

My inability to grieve properly for my losses in life leads to a host of other issues within my life - like my fear of conflict and my need to avoid it at most costs. My fear of change but the way in which I continuously seek it. It also feeds my secret anxieties. It masks my insecruities and can at times make it seem that my spirit is unbreakable. It leads to a lot of secret heartaches and vulnerabilities. It gives others the open invitation to walk all over me and to know that I will forgive them.

I think sometimes the people who we think are rock solid fortresses - those people that seem to be able to allow things to roll off of them and continue to move forward through bad times are truly tortured souls. They carry around a lot of hurt on the inside while continuing to project peace and tranquility. They put on a smile every morning before they walk out the door because that is what people expect out of them. Who would like them if they were sad for more then a day or two. Who would like them if they had problems they were trying to work through. Who would like them if they were "real". And that fear of rejection is more unbearable then the pain they carry with them every hour of every day buried deep within them.

This post makes it seem like I am a sad soul - tortured and living a life in complete disguise. That is not the case at all. What is true however is that sometimes that smile you see on the outside is a raging storm on the inside. That "it's no big deal - don't worry about it" is sometimes an internal anxiety attack waiting to happen. My feelings do get hurt. I am human.

I need to learn to allow myself to be more vulnerable around those who love me. I have a great great network of friends. I have dear dear friends who would understand if I would give them the chance to. But this life change is going to take the strength of my Faith and the love of God. Only in my complete submission of these fears and shortcomings can my life habits change and allow me to grow into the person God created me to be.