Opening the Door

Has your heart ever ached so much that you felt you couldn't breathe? Has it ever ached so much that you couldn't control the tears from rushing down your face at even the slightest pull? I've been trying to ignore my heart for months now - trying to ignore the aching - trying to fight back the tears. And in those moments when I cannot hold the tears in I cry - I cry in silence. I scream in silence. I let the tears pour down my face only in the privacy of my own darkness.

For 8 months my heart has been breaking in silent darkness. I have been trying to convince myself that I am strong. That I wasn't hurt. That it didn't matter. That I could pick up the pieces and move forward and not look back. Lies - lies I told myself because I didn't want to face the hurt. Because I couldn't face the hurt. Lies that caused me to close myself off. Lies that have isolated me and strangled my passions and zest. Lies that have left me broken and not sure who I am.

When doors close and we are afraid to open windows what are we to do? Are these the moments that build character? Are these the moments that define who we are? Who we were? Who we will become?

When my door closed 8 months ago I scrambled to try to crack windows here and there, but fear led me to close them. And silently I sat while the walls closed in on me and the person I once was became unrecognizable. The joy that once filled my heart was gone - I was left empty. Empty - trying to fill up others but falling short because my heart was devoid of joy. Every day I slipped further and further away from the person I once was. I quickly lost sight of my passions and gifts and became complacent in my loneliness.

Fear is a smooth talker - a master deceiver. It can break us down, steal our joy, and leave us empty....if we don't stand up and face it!

My husband recently brought it to my attention......that I had locked my heart up and was holding it prisoner. He told me that it was time I open some doors and stop letting fear control my life. And he is right. It is time to stand up. It is time to let go of the past 8 months and move forward. Will I forget the last 8 months - no because I have learned some very valuable lessons that will only make me stronger and more capable for the future.

It is time for me to cast off my fear and re-enter the world. It is time for me to seek out God's path and to find my passion again. It is time for me to dust off my gifts and put them back to use. Is it going to be hard - absolutely! It is going to be scary - positively. Will I stumble and fall - probably! But will I be better off for putting myself out there, experiencing life and God's plan - most definitely!

Sometimes I think that I had to become broken so that I could get out of the way of myself and make room for God to use me. I am extremely hopeful that in 2010 - God will be steering this ship. That He will be guiding my decisions, actions and words and that He will use me to make a difference in the lives of those He puts in my path.