The past 10 months have been such a trial for me. I wish I could say that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel - but I don't. I wish I could say that I was strong and unwavering - but I'm not. I wish I could say I knew why each and every thing has happened and what I was to learn from it - I can't.
What I know is that there are times when I'm not sure I can take another breath. The anxiety wells up so strong and I have learned to say " I will not fear, my trust is in the Lord. I will not be anxious because my hope is in the Lord". And saying those sentences does calm me - for the moment. But then in time those feelings are welling back up inside of me.
What I have learned in the last 12 months is being still is one of the hardest things for me to achieve. I do feel that God has been calling me to be still - to prepare me for something He has in the works. In this time of stillness, though, I have learned that I needed to get out of the way of myself in order for God to work in me and through me. I know that some of the things that were in my life back then were counter-productive to the person that I was, the person I wanted to be, the person God knew I could be, and the person God needed me to be. I had to walk away from "my life" in order to see that although my heart was in the right place my actions did not always reflect God's love. It was a hard lesson to learn - a hard thing to see through - but I know now that worldly influences were getting the better of me and causing me to stray from the life that God wanted for me.
In these last 12 months I have experienced great loss for which nothing could have prepared me for. Everyday I think about it and am reminded that life is not only short but precious and not to be taken advantage of. "The days are long, but the years are short" is a quote from the book The Happiness Project that I just adore. Is it not so true. Sometimes the days just drag on and on full of "things"to do. But yet the years we have are so short - time flies. And if we take life for granted we miss out on the great relationships that God has given to us to cherish and love and nurture. I have lost 2 souls very dear to me this past year and I long for them both every day. And I see time slipping away faster and faster for two other souls that I love very deeply as well - and must find ways to carve out more time with them so that I don't find myself deep in regret later.
My heart is full of great fears at the present - a sin, I know. The Lord tells us not to fear. Is that fear a product of my lack of faith - no I do not believe so - my faith is stronger now then it has ever been. Is that fear a product of my desires - absolutely - desires that I don't know will ever come true and desires that I don't even know what they are yet. Is that fear a product of change I feel tugging at my heart but don't know exactly what it is yet - certainly. I feel it. I feel it every hour of every day. As I said in my opening all I can do is continue to remind myself that God is with me. He is there and He has my best intentions at heart. He is there and He loves me and He wants me to be full of happiness. He wants to see my hearts desires fulfilled. I know that in the end no matter what happens I love Him and I must trust that the road no matter how curvy and hilly will lead me where He can use me.
I'm not perfect - and even on my last day here on Earth I will not be perfect. I am an ever-changing work in progress. But I do have the backing of my Lord and my Creator. Through Him all things are possible. So even when the sky is gray and my heart is heavy I know that the sunshine is just behind the clouds waiting to come out and fill me with warmth and hope.
My life is not sad - it is a work in progress. There will always be days that have sadness in them and times when we feel riddled with anxiety and uncertainty. But my hope is in the Lord and I know that tomorrow is a new day.
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