Living in the Gray

I have always wished that I could be a person who lived in the gray. So many people in this world do live in the gray and they seem to be so happy. Me, I'm more of a black and white girl.

I have always wished that I was they type of person who could say, "I want to live in California. I'm going to make that happen." The gray person packs up their things and heads cross country without fear or anxiety. Me, I start thinking about all the things that could go wrong. What if I can't find a job? Where would I live? How would I pay the rent? It's exhausting. My fear and anxiety definitely put a glass ceiling on adventure. My need for security and certainty can definitely put a damper on spontaneity.

The world operates in the gray. People bend the rules all the time and don't even think twice about it. People cut corners, skip directions, cheat, lie, etc and go about their day as if this is the norm. If I cut a corner I have anxiety for days wondering who saw my indescretion and what they must be saying.

Yes, I'm a black or white type of person. I believe their are rules for a reason (not that I always agree with them). I don't knowingly break rules. I see wrong as wrong and right as right. I don't believe that you knowingly lie to people and then act like you have no idea why they are upset. I don't believe that you bend the rules for some and not for all.

It can be frustrating being a black and white person in a gray world. It's hard to understand how people can say one thing and turn around and do another. It is hard to understand how people can speak out of both sides of their mouths and never think twice about it. It is hard to understand how some people can condemm others for their behavior, but turn around and do the exact same thing without guilt. Maybe if our governmental leaders took these things to heart our nation wouldn't be in such troubles.

I am not above wrong. I have done my fair share of it. But I am a person who feels like a sincere apology can go a long way. I believe that admitting when you've been wrong and making steps towards fixing it makes a huge impact.

I don't think I will ever be a person who will fit into the gray world. So I will continue to believe that right is right and wrong is wrong. I will continue to confess when I have messed up and apologize for my transgressions. However, one thing I will never be able to get over are people who can walk away believing they are correct and knowing that they have hurt someone. We are all human. We all make mistakes. True forgiveness can only come when both parties feel like they have been heard, their hurts have been acknowledged, and a common ground has been agreed upon. Without that all you have are fake smiles and surface level relationships.