Where do you go when you are lost, when you don't know which way to go. Where do you go when you are standing all alone in the darkness without a light or a sound to guide you? Where do you turn when there isn't a hand reaching out to help pull you up?
The only place left to go is to my knees - bowed down in immediate and emergent prayer.
I ask - how did I get here? And the answer staring me in the face is that I got here by turning the other cheek. I got slapped and I turned the other cheek and I got slapped again. And so I turned the other cheek only to continually get slapped. So I ran - I ran and I ran and I ran, but all that running has gotten me no further from what I was running from then the day I started running.
My heart hurts.
I surrender....................
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Apple Picking
I've been neglecting my blog lately - not because I don't have the time or the thoughts. I think it is rather I just don't even know where to start. So I'm breaking the cycle today with some pics from our recent Apple Picking weekend....
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Broken
I have recently realized something about myself. I think it is something that is scary to admit and hard to fix. Maybe that is the reason that I have never let myself verbalize it or even truly ponder it. I don't let myself grieve. I may express hurt or sadness, but not for long. I bury it quickly. I tell myself that I am strong and that I need to move on and I do. However, what I am realizing is that I don't truly "move on" - I supress the feelings and bury them somewhere deep inside. Then in times when I am feeling lonely or sorry for myself these buried feelings bubble up and make me feel even more terrible.
Why do I do this to myself? Why can't I just be sad and work through my feelings? Why? Well because people expect me to be me - they don't like it when I am sad. They NEED me to be okay. They NEED me to be happy go lucky. They expect me to put on a brave face and move forward no matter what. And I have been doing it for so long that I don't know how to do anything more.
My inability to grieve properly for my losses in life leads to a host of other issues within my life - like my fear of conflict and my need to avoid it at most costs. My fear of change but the way in which I continuously seek it. It also feeds my secret anxieties. It masks my insecruities and can at times make it seem that my spirit is unbreakable. It leads to a lot of secret heartaches and vulnerabilities. It gives others the open invitation to walk all over me and to know that I will forgive them.
I think sometimes the people who we think are rock solid fortresses - those people that seem to be able to allow things to roll off of them and continue to move forward through bad times are truly tortured souls. They carry around a lot of hurt on the inside while continuing to project peace and tranquility. They put on a smile every morning before they walk out the door because that is what people expect out of them. Who would like them if they were sad for more then a day or two. Who would like them if they had problems they were trying to work through. Who would like them if they were "real". And that fear of rejection is more unbearable then the pain they carry with them every hour of every day buried deep within them.
This post makes it seem like I am a sad soul - tortured and living a life in complete disguise. That is not the case at all. What is true however is that sometimes that smile you see on the outside is a raging storm on the inside. That "it's no big deal - don't worry about it" is sometimes an internal anxiety attack waiting to happen. My feelings do get hurt. I am human.
I need to learn to allow myself to be more vulnerable around those who love me. I have a great great network of friends. I have dear dear friends who would understand if I would give them the chance to. But this life change is going to take the strength of my Faith and the love of God. Only in my complete submission of these fears and shortcomings can my life habits change and allow me to grow into the person God created me to be.
Why do I do this to myself? Why can't I just be sad and work through my feelings? Why? Well because people expect me to be me - they don't like it when I am sad. They NEED me to be okay. They NEED me to be happy go lucky. They expect me to put on a brave face and move forward no matter what. And I have been doing it for so long that I don't know how to do anything more.
My inability to grieve properly for my losses in life leads to a host of other issues within my life - like my fear of conflict and my need to avoid it at most costs. My fear of change but the way in which I continuously seek it. It also feeds my secret anxieties. It masks my insecruities and can at times make it seem that my spirit is unbreakable. It leads to a lot of secret heartaches and vulnerabilities. It gives others the open invitation to walk all over me and to know that I will forgive them.
I think sometimes the people who we think are rock solid fortresses - those people that seem to be able to allow things to roll off of them and continue to move forward through bad times are truly tortured souls. They carry around a lot of hurt on the inside while continuing to project peace and tranquility. They put on a smile every morning before they walk out the door because that is what people expect out of them. Who would like them if they were sad for more then a day or two. Who would like them if they had problems they were trying to work through. Who would like them if they were "real". And that fear of rejection is more unbearable then the pain they carry with them every hour of every day buried deep within them.
This post makes it seem like I am a sad soul - tortured and living a life in complete disguise. That is not the case at all. What is true however is that sometimes that smile you see on the outside is a raging storm on the inside. That "it's no big deal - don't worry about it" is sometimes an internal anxiety attack waiting to happen. My feelings do get hurt. I am human.
I need to learn to allow myself to be more vulnerable around those who love me. I have a great great network of friends. I have dear dear friends who would understand if I would give them the chance to. But this life change is going to take the strength of my Faith and the love of God. Only in my complete submission of these fears and shortcomings can my life habits change and allow me to grow into the person God created me to be.
Friday, August 7, 2009
Parent Orientation
Last night I had to go to Parent Orientation for Kindergarten. I cannot believe the Jn is already ready for this! It seems like only yesterday we brought her home from the hospital.
So I go to this meeting not feeling too bad, but came out in a panic. Maybe they should serve margaritas - I know it would have helped me! I know I shouldn't feel so anxious about sending my child to school - but I'm sad. I don't want her to go yet! She is still my baby. I'm not ready for her to grow up. And I know that things will really move quickly now that she is in school. Life will never be the same!
I truly thought it wouldn't be a big deal to send her to Kindergarten. She has been in preschool for 2 years and away from me. But this is different. This is so much bigger. Preschool felt kind of like just "playing school". This is the real thing. No looking back. She is now part of the system. I know she will love it. I know she will do great! She is ready in every way that a 5 year old needs to be ready.
So why am I so afraid. Why am I so anxious about this next step? Is it a loss of control? Is it the realization that life is changing? Is it that the school years fly by? I never thought I would be that parent. I never thought I'd be the mom who cries when she puts her child on the bus in the morning for the first time. Or the mom who worries will my child find her class, make friends, be a good student, listen to the teacher, etc, etc. But I am that mom. I am that mom because I love this little girl with all of my heart and soul. I want only the very best for her. I want her to be full of joy and life. I don't want to see her heart get broken or her feelings get hurt. I don't want to see her get left out of things. I want her to have her heart's desires and to be a loving, caring and giving individual. I want her to be independent and make good decisions. I want only the very best life has to offer.
I know she isn't a "little" girl anymore. I know that she has to take this next step in her life's journey. I know that she will be strong and have fun and do well! And I know that in time my anxiety will subside. But for now I will fight every urge I have to pull her out of Kindergarten and keep her home with me for one more year.
So I go to this meeting not feeling too bad, but came out in a panic. Maybe they should serve margaritas - I know it would have helped me! I know I shouldn't feel so anxious about sending my child to school - but I'm sad. I don't want her to go yet! She is still my baby. I'm not ready for her to grow up. And I know that things will really move quickly now that she is in school. Life will never be the same!
I truly thought it wouldn't be a big deal to send her to Kindergarten. She has been in preschool for 2 years and away from me. But this is different. This is so much bigger. Preschool felt kind of like just "playing school". This is the real thing. No looking back. She is now part of the system. I know she will love it. I know she will do great! She is ready in every way that a 5 year old needs to be ready.
So why am I so afraid. Why am I so anxious about this next step? Is it a loss of control? Is it the realization that life is changing? Is it that the school years fly by? I never thought I would be that parent. I never thought I'd be the mom who cries when she puts her child on the bus in the morning for the first time. Or the mom who worries will my child find her class, make friends, be a good student, listen to the teacher, etc, etc. But I am that mom. I am that mom because I love this little girl with all of my heart and soul. I want only the very best for her. I want her to be full of joy and life. I don't want to see her heart get broken or her feelings get hurt. I don't want to see her get left out of things. I want her to have her heart's desires and to be a loving, caring and giving individual. I want her to be independent and make good decisions. I want only the very best life has to offer.
I know she isn't a "little" girl anymore. I know that she has to take this next step in her life's journey. I know that she will be strong and have fun and do well! And I know that in time my anxiety will subside. But for now I will fight every urge I have to pull her out of Kindergarten and keep her home with me for one more year.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Loving and being Loved
Lately this topic of love has been hitting me square in the face. Specifically the way we love verses the way that we want to be loved. For me I think this is something I struggle with because I see it differently then many others......stick with me...this could get complicated......
We all need love in our lives to be fulfilled - we get it from many different people in our lives in many different ways. We all show love in a variety of ways and crave love back in just as many different forms.
For me, I show love through doing. It may be a kind note or email letting you know that I'm thinking about you. It may be time spent together. It may be an offer to help you do something. I am a doer. It is who I am. I am also a lover. I think that these two things go hand in hand. I don't very often do something for someone out of obligation - I do it because it is in my heart to do it. I never offer help hoping someone won't take me up on it. I don't keep score (I've done this for you and I hope you will repay me for it). I genuinely love to help others - it makes my heart smile!
With all that being said - doers are not feelers. And this is my downfall. I am not touchy feely. I am slow to notice small details (so I'm sorry if I missed your new haircut). I don't compliment enough, probably because I have a hard time accepting compliments. I can sympathize to a point, but there is a point to which I reach the point of "Suck it up and move on!" See - this is my downfall. I think it causes hurt for others because they expect me to be a feeler.
This leads me to the question that has been circling around in my head for days ......would the world be a more peaceful place if we were able to accept love in any form in which we received it not just in the form that we expect it? I think so many times the hurts that we sustain in our relationships stem from our perception that others should love us the way we want to be loved - not in the way they have to offer love. So often this failure, the shortfall can leave us feeling let down, hurt, unloved. When in truth we are just missing what the other person is sharing of themselves.
It's a huge challenge. Human nature is not easily changed so that makes it difficult for us to offer love in a way someone else expects, wants or needs, but that we are not "made" to give. That shortfall leaves the wanter of love feeling unloved and the giver of love feeling guilty and inadequate.
So where is the middle ground? I wish I had the answer to this question. I don't know. I know that you cannot help how you want to be loved - being loved is the very existence of happiness. However, it is hard to change how you offer love too. Expecting someone to be what they are not is not fair either. So where do the two coexist?
I don't know that there can be a definite answer to this. But what I do think is helpful is being more cognisant of how others offer us love and trying to find fulfillment in that. I think if we could see those gifts of love no matter how they come wrapped we would find that our life truly is blessed and that God brings us together for very specific reasons. I don't think it is an accident that we are paired with people (be it friends or family members) who are different than us. It is those very differences that challenge us to grow.
I hope that this blog post gave you something to think about. You may totally disagree with my thoughts and that is completely okay. You may be scratching your head thinking...you know I never really thought about it that way before. I hope it will challenge you to look for the love gifts that you may have been missing! I know it is something I am going to be working on!
We all need love in our lives to be fulfilled - we get it from many different people in our lives in many different ways. We all show love in a variety of ways and crave love back in just as many different forms.
For me, I show love through doing. It may be a kind note or email letting you know that I'm thinking about you. It may be time spent together. It may be an offer to help you do something. I am a doer. It is who I am. I am also a lover. I think that these two things go hand in hand. I don't very often do something for someone out of obligation - I do it because it is in my heart to do it. I never offer help hoping someone won't take me up on it. I don't keep score (I've done this for you and I hope you will repay me for it). I genuinely love to help others - it makes my heart smile!
With all that being said - doers are not feelers. And this is my downfall. I am not touchy feely. I am slow to notice small details (so I'm sorry if I missed your new haircut). I don't compliment enough, probably because I have a hard time accepting compliments. I can sympathize to a point, but there is a point to which I reach the point of "Suck it up and move on!" See - this is my downfall. I think it causes hurt for others because they expect me to be a feeler.
This leads me to the question that has been circling around in my head for days ......would the world be a more peaceful place if we were able to accept love in any form in which we received it not just in the form that we expect it? I think so many times the hurts that we sustain in our relationships stem from our perception that others should love us the way we want to be loved - not in the way they have to offer love. So often this failure, the shortfall can leave us feeling let down, hurt, unloved. When in truth we are just missing what the other person is sharing of themselves.
It's a huge challenge. Human nature is not easily changed so that makes it difficult for us to offer love in a way someone else expects, wants or needs, but that we are not "made" to give. That shortfall leaves the wanter of love feeling unloved and the giver of love feeling guilty and inadequate.
So where is the middle ground? I wish I had the answer to this question. I don't know. I know that you cannot help how you want to be loved - being loved is the very existence of happiness. However, it is hard to change how you offer love too. Expecting someone to be what they are not is not fair either. So where do the two coexist?
I don't know that there can be a definite answer to this. But what I do think is helpful is being more cognisant of how others offer us love and trying to find fulfillment in that. I think if we could see those gifts of love no matter how they come wrapped we would find that our life truly is blessed and that God brings us together for very specific reasons. I don't think it is an accident that we are paired with people (be it friends or family members) who are different than us. It is those very differences that challenge us to grow.
I hope that this blog post gave you something to think about. You may totally disagree with my thoughts and that is completely okay. You may be scratching your head thinking...you know I never really thought about it that way before. I hope it will challenge you to look for the love gifts that you may have been missing! I know it is something I am going to be working on!
Sunday, June 21, 2009
My Baby Turned 1
What a busy busy weekend in our household! Friday night B* and I got to go to dinner and a show all by ourselves! Oh how much fun! We got all dressed up and went downtown. We ate a very delicious meal at the Scholars Inn and then saw Wicked. It was fantastic! The music was great, the story was cool and the scenary was amazing. We had such a great evening together!
Saturday my baby boy turned 1 year old. Yes, I can't believe it! He is just getting so big! I don't like it! He is waving now and clapping his hands. He loves to talk and is saying dada of course and hi! It is just adorable. He is quite the little spitfire! He has a giant attitude, but with two older sisters I guess what can you expect, right? We had a small birthday gathering at our house with burgers on the grill, lots of yummy sides and of course cake! I love the first birthday cake! So much fun! And Jc* did not disappoint. He had it in his hair and in his ears! It was amazing. But he had a great time and that is what matters! He also made out like a bandit in the gift department scoring not only a Cozy Coupe, but also a Playhouse for the backyard!
Today B* played golf with his dad and brother so the kids and I headed up to my parents place. We went to church, then out to lunch and up to the hospital to visit with Great Grandpa. Luckily today he was having a pretty good day and seeing the kids seemed to put a smile on his face.
So it was a nice weekend! And now on to a very busy week ahead!
Saturday my baby boy turned 1 year old. Yes, I can't believe it! He is just getting so big! I don't like it! He is waving now and clapping his hands. He loves to talk and is saying dada of course and hi! It is just adorable. He is quite the little spitfire! He has a giant attitude, but with two older sisters I guess what can you expect, right? We had a small birthday gathering at our house with burgers on the grill, lots of yummy sides and of course cake! I love the first birthday cake! So much fun! And Jc* did not disappoint. He had it in his hair and in his ears! It was amazing. But he had a great time and that is what matters! He also made out like a bandit in the gift department scoring not only a Cozy Coupe, but also a Playhouse for the backyard!
Today B* played golf with his dad and brother so the kids and I headed up to my parents place. We went to church, then out to lunch and up to the hospital to visit with Great Grandpa. Luckily today he was having a pretty good day and seeing the kids seemed to put a smile on his face.
So it was a nice weekend! And now on to a very busy week ahead!
Friday, June 12, 2009
Just call in the Bulldozer
Wow! What a week it has been in my household. Saturday night at midnight we were woke up by Jh* who had puked all over herself and her bed. We cleaned her up and made a new bed on the floor in our bedroom and went back to sleep. We were then woke up several more times by our little angel. Poor thing! She was really sick! Then at 3am Jn* came in and was sick! OMG! We cleaned her up and the bed and got everyone settled and back to sleep. I think B* and I saw every hour on the clock from midnight on that night.
Wednesday B* started not feeling so hot and ended up staying home from work. Wow! This flu bug was taking our house by storm!
And then the dreaded Thursday came. Yep - mama was sick. I told B* I wasn't feeling well as I rolled out of bed, but thought I could tough it out. I was WRONG!!!! By 10am I was done. I called B* at work and asked him to come home and get the kids. I couldn't do it anymore. Every inch of me hurt. So by 11am B* was home and took the kids from my care. I spent all day in bed. ALL DAY! It was awful! So awful that I would use the phone intercom to call my husband and ask him to bring me drinks of water and medicine! So awful that every time I moved I cried out in pain! Oh man was this flu nasty!!!! By 5:30pm I felt like coming out of my room and headed for the couch. I was greeted by my sweet family sitting at the kitchen table having McDonalds.
I have to say my husband was such a trooper. He took the kids at a 2pm birthday party at the sprinkler park and then took them to their 4pm swimming lesson. He stopped on the way home and picked up supper and then played with the kids, got them ready for bed, and tucked them sweetly in for the night. What a guy! I was so very impressed. He told me though that he doesn't know how I do it every day! :) Yes, the life of a stay at home mom is not glamorous and at times is very difficult, but always worth it!
Today I'm still a little sluggish, but on the whole feeling much better! I HATE to be sick! Luckily it doesn't happen very often! But huge kuddos to my husband who was my Knight in Shining Armor yesterday. I love you honey!!!!
Wednesday B* started not feeling so hot and ended up staying home from work. Wow! This flu bug was taking our house by storm!
And then the dreaded Thursday came. Yep - mama was sick. I told B* I wasn't feeling well as I rolled out of bed, but thought I could tough it out. I was WRONG!!!! By 10am I was done. I called B* at work and asked him to come home and get the kids. I couldn't do it anymore. Every inch of me hurt. So by 11am B* was home and took the kids from my care. I spent all day in bed. ALL DAY! It was awful! So awful that I would use the phone intercom to call my husband and ask him to bring me drinks of water and medicine! So awful that every time I moved I cried out in pain! Oh man was this flu nasty!!!! By 5:30pm I felt like coming out of my room and headed for the couch. I was greeted by my sweet family sitting at the kitchen table having McDonalds.
I have to say my husband was such a trooper. He took the kids at a 2pm birthday party at the sprinkler park and then took them to their 4pm swimming lesson. He stopped on the way home and picked up supper and then played with the kids, got them ready for bed, and tucked them sweetly in for the night. What a guy! I was so very impressed. He told me though that he doesn't know how I do it every day! :) Yes, the life of a stay at home mom is not glamorous and at times is very difficult, but always worth it!
Today I'm still a little sluggish, but on the whole feeling much better! I HATE to be sick! Luckily it doesn't happen very often! But huge kuddos to my husband who was my Knight in Shining Armor yesterday. I love you honey!!!!
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