My dad made one of the coolest puzzles when I was a little girl. It was a square made up of 9 pieces. Each piece was also a square, but not of equal size. Now, they were not of equal size but their differences were small making it harder to distinguish one from the other. Every piece fit onto a peg and each peg hole was in a different location on the square. All of this adds up to a puzzle that appeared to be simple, but actually was quite difficult. Many times you'd put a piece onto a peg and it would seemingly fit and as you put other pieces around it you'd find that it wasn't actually in it's perfect position.
So what made me think about this puzzle? Life. My life.
I often feel like one of those pieces of my dad's puzzle. There are times when I feel like I fit, but then I figure out that something just isn't quiet like it should be. I am a pretty easy going, go with the flow kind of girl. I like to hang out with lots of different types of people. I am adventurous and like to try new things. All of these things are good attributes in my opinion, but they have in a way led me to feel that I'm not sure who I really am. For example, I grew up in the country, have lived in the big city, and now lead a suburban life. Often I long for the more slow paced more disconnected life of the country, but then I visit the big city and miss it so very badly that I could move back in a heartbeat to the fast paced exciting city life. So who am I really? I truly can't answer that question at this intersection of my life.
I am a woman in search of who she is and what she believes in. I've learned many many great life lessons in the past few years and I feel like I have come a long way. I know who I was and I guess now I'm on a journey to figure out who I really am.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Sunday, March 13, 2011
I am Evolving
I've been stuck. Stuck between a broken heart and a will to move forward. Stuck between knowing what I need to do and the ability to do it. Stuck inside a person I at times barely recognize.
I think the line between knowing and doing can be the hardest line to cross. In my case that line felt more like a fence, a wall. Fear was controlling me, body and mind. So many times my heart would be saying, "Go for it!", "You can do it!". However my head was saying, "Better go slowly", "What if you get hurt again?", "You may be getting in over your head!", "You're going to step on some else's toes.", "They won't like you.", "What if they don't get it?".
I didn't used to be that girl. I used to move forward full steam ahead. If an idea found it's way to my head I would find a way to give it a try. I didn't use to put so much value on what others might think. I used to be "the glass is half full" girl.
So what does this all mean? I found this quote:
When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Victor Frankl
In the past two years my situation has not really changed even though I have tried to put a band-aide on things. So I think that it is time to change myself. It is time Fito stop looking at the world with a "glass half empty" mentality and start looking at all the good things. I am not perfect. I know that I will slip from time to time. But I am going to do my best to look at things with a better perspective. I am going to do my best to not let the words of others tear me down. I am going to do my best to let go of those things that I cannot change and move forward in a way where that situation changes me for the better.
1 Peter 3:8-22
8 Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. 9 Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing. 10 For, "Whoever would love life and see good days must keep his tongue from evil and his lips from deceitful speech. 11 He must turn from evil and do good; he must seek peace and pursue it. 12 For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and his ears are attentive to their prayer, but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil." 13 Who is going to harm you if you are eager to do good? 14 But even if you should suffer for what is right, you are blessed. "Do not fear what they fear; do not be frightened." 15 But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, 16 keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander. 17 It is better, if it is God's will, to suffer for doing good than for doing evil. 18 For Christ died for sins once for all, the righteous for the unrighteous, to bring you to God. He was put to death in the body but made alive by the Spirit, 19 through whom also he went and preached to the spirits in prison 20 who disobeyed long ago when God waited patiently in the days of Noah while the ark was being built. In it only a few people, eight in all, were saved through water, 21 and this water symbolizes baptism that now saves you also--not the removal of dirt from the body but the pledge of a good conscience toward God. It saves you by the resurrection of Jesus Christ, 22 who has gone into heaven and is at God's right hand--with angels, authorities and powers in submission to him.
There is a lot of hope in these verses. Remain calm. Stay the course of truth. Hold on to your hope in Christ. Do not grow weary of doing the right thing even in the midst of hardship. Stay true to Christ, stay true to yourself.
I'm making a vow to turn myself around. I am going to be a better me. I am going to look for the positives and quit letting the negatives pull me under. I am worth more than I have been giving. I have more strength then what I have been showing. I can be bold and courageous because my Savior reigns and He will never leave me or forsake me.
I have not been true to the me that He created me to be. But that is all about to change......
I think the line between knowing and doing can be the hardest line to cross. In my case that line felt more like a fence, a wall. Fear was controlling me, body and mind. So many times my heart would be saying, "Go for it!", "You can do it!". However my head was saying, "Better go slowly", "What if you get hurt again?", "You may be getting in over your head!", "You're going to step on some else's toes.", "They won't like you.", "What if they don't get it?".
I didn't used to be that girl. I used to move forward full steam ahead. If an idea found it's way to my head I would find a way to give it a try. I didn't use to put so much value on what others might think. I used to be "the glass is half full" girl.
So what does this all mean? I found this quote:
When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Victor Frankl
In the past two years my situation has not really changed even though I have tried to put a band-aide on things. So I think that it is time to change myself. It is time Fito stop looking at the world with a "glass half empty" mentality and start looking at all the good things. I am not perfect. I know that I will slip from time to time. But I am going to do my best to look at things with a better perspective. I am going to do my best to not let the words of others tear me down. I am going to do my best to let go of those things that I cannot change and move forward in a way where that situation changes me for the better.
1 Peter 3:8-22
8 Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. 9 Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing. 10 For, "Whoever would love life and see good days must keep his tongue from evil and his lips from deceitful speech. 11 He must turn from evil and do good; he must seek peace and pursue it. 12 For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and his ears are attentive to their prayer, but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil." 13 Who is going to harm you if you are eager to do good? 14 But even if you should suffer for what is right, you are blessed. "Do not fear what they fear; do not be frightened." 15 But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, 16 keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander. 17 It is better, if it is God's will, to suffer for doing good than for doing evil. 18 For Christ died for sins once for all, the righteous for the unrighteous, to bring you to God. He was put to death in the body but made alive by the Spirit, 19 through whom also he went and preached to the spirits in prison 20 who disobeyed long ago when God waited patiently in the days of Noah while the ark was being built. In it only a few people, eight in all, were saved through water, 21 and this water symbolizes baptism that now saves you also--not the removal of dirt from the body but the pledge of a good conscience toward God. It saves you by the resurrection of Jesus Christ, 22 who has gone into heaven and is at God's right hand--with angels, authorities and powers in submission to him.
There is a lot of hope in these verses. Remain calm. Stay the course of truth. Hold on to your hope in Christ. Do not grow weary of doing the right thing even in the midst of hardship. Stay true to Christ, stay true to yourself.
I'm making a vow to turn myself around. I am going to be a better me. I am going to look for the positives and quit letting the negatives pull me under. I am worth more than I have been giving. I have more strength then what I have been showing. I can be bold and courageous because my Savior reigns and He will never leave me or forsake me.
I have not been true to the me that He created me to be. But that is all about to change......
Friday, January 28, 2011
Living in the Gray
I have always wished that I could be a person who lived in the gray. So many people in this world do live in the gray and they seem to be so happy. Me, I'm more of a black and white girl.
I have always wished that I was they type of person who could say, "I want to live in California. I'm going to make that happen." The gray person packs up their things and heads cross country without fear or anxiety. Me, I start thinking about all the things that could go wrong. What if I can't find a job? Where would I live? How would I pay the rent? It's exhausting. My fear and anxiety definitely put a glass ceiling on adventure. My need for security and certainty can definitely put a damper on spontaneity.
The world operates in the gray. People bend the rules all the time and don't even think twice about it. People cut corners, skip directions, cheat, lie, etc and go about their day as if this is the norm. If I cut a corner I have anxiety for days wondering who saw my indescretion and what they must be saying.
Yes, I'm a black or white type of person. I believe their are rules for a reason (not that I always agree with them). I don't knowingly break rules. I see wrong as wrong and right as right. I don't believe that you knowingly lie to people and then act like you have no idea why they are upset. I don't believe that you bend the rules for some and not for all.
It can be frustrating being a black and white person in a gray world. It's hard to understand how people can say one thing and turn around and do another. It is hard to understand how people can speak out of both sides of their mouths and never think twice about it. It is hard to understand how some people can condemm others for their behavior, but turn around and do the exact same thing without guilt. Maybe if our governmental leaders took these things to heart our nation wouldn't be in such troubles.
I am not above wrong. I have done my fair share of it. But I am a person who feels like a sincere apology can go a long way. I believe that admitting when you've been wrong and making steps towards fixing it makes a huge impact.
I don't think I will ever be a person who will fit into the gray world. So I will continue to believe that right is right and wrong is wrong. I will continue to confess when I have messed up and apologize for my transgressions. However, one thing I will never be able to get over are people who can walk away believing they are correct and knowing that they have hurt someone. We are all human. We all make mistakes. True forgiveness can only come when both parties feel like they have been heard, their hurts have been acknowledged, and a common ground has been agreed upon. Without that all you have are fake smiles and surface level relationships.
I have always wished that I was they type of person who could say, "I want to live in California. I'm going to make that happen." The gray person packs up their things and heads cross country without fear or anxiety. Me, I start thinking about all the things that could go wrong. What if I can't find a job? Where would I live? How would I pay the rent? It's exhausting. My fear and anxiety definitely put a glass ceiling on adventure. My need for security and certainty can definitely put a damper on spontaneity.
The world operates in the gray. People bend the rules all the time and don't even think twice about it. People cut corners, skip directions, cheat, lie, etc and go about their day as if this is the norm. If I cut a corner I have anxiety for days wondering who saw my indescretion and what they must be saying.
Yes, I'm a black or white type of person. I believe their are rules for a reason (not that I always agree with them). I don't knowingly break rules. I see wrong as wrong and right as right. I don't believe that you knowingly lie to people and then act like you have no idea why they are upset. I don't believe that you bend the rules for some and not for all.
It can be frustrating being a black and white person in a gray world. It's hard to understand how people can say one thing and turn around and do another. It is hard to understand how people can speak out of both sides of their mouths and never think twice about it. It is hard to understand how some people can condemm others for their behavior, but turn around and do the exact same thing without guilt. Maybe if our governmental leaders took these things to heart our nation wouldn't be in such troubles.
I am not above wrong. I have done my fair share of it. But I am a person who feels like a sincere apology can go a long way. I believe that admitting when you've been wrong and making steps towards fixing it makes a huge impact.
I don't think I will ever be a person who will fit into the gray world. So I will continue to believe that right is right and wrong is wrong. I will continue to confess when I have messed up and apologize for my transgressions. However, one thing I will never be able to get over are people who can walk away believing they are correct and knowing that they have hurt someone. We are all human. We all make mistakes. True forgiveness can only come when both parties feel like they have been heard, their hurts have been acknowledged, and a common ground has been agreed upon. Without that all you have are fake smiles and surface level relationships.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Technology....argh
We live in a world today that is so connected that we've become unconnected. Remember the days when you actually had to call someone to talk to them. You had to call them to make plans, find out what they were up to. With texting and email and Facebook we are now living in a time when information is always at our fingertips. We update people on what we are doing and thinking at any given moment in the day - updates that when read by others sometimes is taken the wrong way or is hurtful because we feel left out. We now often have our arguments over email, a medium that doesn't allow for feelings or tone.
Technology while great, in many ways is hurting our relationships. Don't get me wrong, I love my technology, however I've fallen victim to it too many times to count. I've been on both sides of the hurt. I've said things that have hurt others, and I've been hurt in return.
I think often it is easier to say I'm sorry through an email. It is easier to say things that might be hard to look someone in the eyes and say. However, I don't think that a written sorry is nearly as effective as hearing it in person. When you have a face to face interaction with someone you can see their feelings on their face. You can hear the hurt in their voice. You can see the effects of what you have done. When you say you're sorry in person you can hug it out. You can right then and there bury the hurt and move on.
Yes, technology is great. It allows us to connect in ways we used to not be able to do. But technology is also a brutal attacker on relationships.
Technology while great, in many ways is hurting our relationships. Don't get me wrong, I love my technology, however I've fallen victim to it too many times to count. I've been on both sides of the hurt. I've said things that have hurt others, and I've been hurt in return.
I think often it is easier to say I'm sorry through an email. It is easier to say things that might be hard to look someone in the eyes and say. However, I don't think that a written sorry is nearly as effective as hearing it in person. When you have a face to face interaction with someone you can see their feelings on their face. You can hear the hurt in their voice. You can see the effects of what you have done. When you say you're sorry in person you can hug it out. You can right then and there bury the hurt and move on.
Yes, technology is great. It allows us to connect in ways we used to not be able to do. But technology is also a brutal attacker on relationships.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
I'm still a work in progress
I'm still a work in progress. I'm working on living in the moment instead of trying to plan out what the future will hold. I'm working on let go of the heartaches and thoughts that have been weighing me down - erasing the blackboard if you will and going at it again in a different way.
Today has been kind of a rollercoaster day for me - as I think much of January will be. However, I know the challenges that I'm facing this month and I'm trying to work through my feelings and emotions proactively.
We took the kids this afternoon to play at Conner Prairie. It was the last day of the Gingerbread House display and I had been saying that I wanted to see it since it opened up in December. Wow, nothing like waiting until the last second, but we made it happen. It was a super cool display. Maybe next year we'll put in a family entry. I think it could be a really cool family tradition.
The rough part of my day came when I got to thinking about birthdays. We've got 2 big ones coming up in my family this month. My middle child turns 5 in the middle of the month and I turn a number more than 25 the day after her. Both are bitter sweet for me. I can't believe that my little peanut is turning 5. Where have the years gone. 5 seems so grown up for her. I guess she and I will always kind of have this bittersweet battle of the ages. When she turns 20 I'll hit a really big number. When she hits 30....well you see where this is going. So maybe my rough feelings really aren't about her age, but about my own. I know that age is just a number and it isn't so much about the number as it is about where I thought I'd be in my life by this number. Some big goals I had have not come to fruition and I don't know if they ever will, and that is really a hard pill for me to swallow. I have to trust that God knows what He is doing and just continue to do the best with all the blessings that I have been given. So my friends, if you see some posts about my birthday, and my feelings about my birthday just know that I'm working through it all.
It's going to be a challenging month. It's going to be a challenging year for that matter. But I am determined that I am going to come out on the other side of 2011 a more put together, self-aware, fun-loving, generous person.
Today has been kind of a rollercoaster day for me - as I think much of January will be. However, I know the challenges that I'm facing this month and I'm trying to work through my feelings and emotions proactively.
We took the kids this afternoon to play at Conner Prairie. It was the last day of the Gingerbread House display and I had been saying that I wanted to see it since it opened up in December. Wow, nothing like waiting until the last second, but we made it happen. It was a super cool display. Maybe next year we'll put in a family entry. I think it could be a really cool family tradition.
The rough part of my day came when I got to thinking about birthdays. We've got 2 big ones coming up in my family this month. My middle child turns 5 in the middle of the month and I turn a number more than 25 the day after her. Both are bitter sweet for me. I can't believe that my little peanut is turning 5. Where have the years gone. 5 seems so grown up for her. I guess she and I will always kind of have this bittersweet battle of the ages. When she turns 20 I'll hit a really big number. When she hits 30....well you see where this is going. So maybe my rough feelings really aren't about her age, but about my own. I know that age is just a number and it isn't so much about the number as it is about where I thought I'd be in my life by this number. Some big goals I had have not come to fruition and I don't know if they ever will, and that is really a hard pill for me to swallow. I have to trust that God knows what He is doing and just continue to do the best with all the blessings that I have been given. So my friends, if you see some posts about my birthday, and my feelings about my birthday just know that I'm working through it all.
It's going to be a challenging month. It's going to be a challenging year for that matter. But I am determined that I am going to come out on the other side of 2011 a more put together, self-aware, fun-loving, generous person.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
A New Year
Goodbye 2010.......Hello 2011!
I've decided that I'm resurrecting my blog in 2011! When I first started this blog it brought me a lot of joy. This blog has been used as an insight into my life in many ways and through many seasons of my life. It has been a recording of many happy and wonderful moments, as well as an outlet for heartache. What will be in store for it in the upcoming year, I'm not sure. However, I'm up for the challenge.
The New Year always encourages us to examine parts of our lives that need improvement. Many people write down resolutions for the upcoming year, resolutions that most commonly quickly fall the wayside as our busy lives get into full swing. While I was driving the other morning and listening to a local radio station they were talking about New Year's Resolutions and how easily they can and often are broken. They started talking about picking a theme word for the year and working towards that word. I immediately liked this idea. And just as quickly as my mind was able to wrap itself around this concept, my word popped into my head - REBUILD. Wow! Could it really be that easy? Could this really be my word for 2011? Is this where I needed to focus my energy? I decided that before I could commit to this word for the whole year that I really should ponder it and pray over it. And so I went about my day and I have to say it was amazing how many times this word popped into my head. It seemed to me that God was showing me that this was my word. This was where I should focus my energy in 2011. So there you have it. Mindy's word for 2011 is REBUILD, sounds great right? But what does that mean? Where am I going to go with that word?
Friendships....I am going to use this year to focus on some key friendships in my life. There are definitely some relationships in my life that I have let some time and space get a hold of and I want to make a stronger effort to spend time with these dear people. I also have some newer friendships that I want to tend to and grow. As women, I think, that often we can define who we are by the friendships that we hold. Due to some past events I really had closed myself off in the last year because I questioned who I was, what I had to offer, and feared getting hurt again. However, 2011 is going to see me come out of my shell,, take some chances, and spend time cultivating strong friendships.
Confidence.....I am going to do my best to stop worrying what others think about me. I cannot control what others think and say. The only thing I can control are my actions and my words. If the things that I do and say are done and said in love then I need not worry what others are thinking. If I can spend this year focusing on doing things that build others up, I will in return be building myself up as well.
Adventure.....I am going to try new things without fear of failing. I am going to stop being scared that I might fall or that people might laugh at me. If I see something and I want to give it a try I'm going to go for it - no more excuses. I used to love this about myself and it's time to get back to that person I used to love and respect.
Family.........I am going to spend more time with my husband and my children. I am going to find things for us to do as a family and make some sweet memories.
Oh 2011, I have some big plans for you! I am planning to find myself buried beneath all the walls and disguises that I have put up over the last couple of years. I am going to stop making excuses. I am going to stop being afraid. I am going to stop living in my isolate comfort zone and step out into a world that has so much to offer. This is the year that I take back what I have lost and move forward to pursuing that person that I know that I can be.
So here it goes....win, lose or draw!
I've decided that I'm resurrecting my blog in 2011! When I first started this blog it brought me a lot of joy. This blog has been used as an insight into my life in many ways and through many seasons of my life. It has been a recording of many happy and wonderful moments, as well as an outlet for heartache. What will be in store for it in the upcoming year, I'm not sure. However, I'm up for the challenge.
The New Year always encourages us to examine parts of our lives that need improvement. Many people write down resolutions for the upcoming year, resolutions that most commonly quickly fall the wayside as our busy lives get into full swing. While I was driving the other morning and listening to a local radio station they were talking about New Year's Resolutions and how easily they can and often are broken. They started talking about picking a theme word for the year and working towards that word. I immediately liked this idea. And just as quickly as my mind was able to wrap itself around this concept, my word popped into my head - REBUILD. Wow! Could it really be that easy? Could this really be my word for 2011? Is this where I needed to focus my energy? I decided that before I could commit to this word for the whole year that I really should ponder it and pray over it. And so I went about my day and I have to say it was amazing how many times this word popped into my head. It seemed to me that God was showing me that this was my word. This was where I should focus my energy in 2011. So there you have it. Mindy's word for 2011 is REBUILD, sounds great right? But what does that mean? Where am I going to go with that word?
Friendships....I am going to use this year to focus on some key friendships in my life. There are definitely some relationships in my life that I have let some time and space get a hold of and I want to make a stronger effort to spend time with these dear people. I also have some newer friendships that I want to tend to and grow. As women, I think, that often we can define who we are by the friendships that we hold. Due to some past events I really had closed myself off in the last year because I questioned who I was, what I had to offer, and feared getting hurt again. However, 2011 is going to see me come out of my shell,, take some chances, and spend time cultivating strong friendships.
Confidence.....I am going to do my best to stop worrying what others think about me. I cannot control what others think and say. The only thing I can control are my actions and my words. If the things that I do and say are done and said in love then I need not worry what others are thinking. If I can spend this year focusing on doing things that build others up, I will in return be building myself up as well.
Adventure.....I am going to try new things without fear of failing. I am going to stop being scared that I might fall or that people might laugh at me. If I see something and I want to give it a try I'm going to go for it - no more excuses. I used to love this about myself and it's time to get back to that person I used to love and respect.
Family.........I am going to spend more time with my husband and my children. I am going to find things for us to do as a family and make some sweet memories.
Oh 2011, I have some big plans for you! I am planning to find myself buried beneath all the walls and disguises that I have put up over the last couple of years. I am going to stop making excuses. I am going to stop being afraid. I am going to stop living in my isolate comfort zone and step out into a world that has so much to offer. This is the year that I take back what I have lost and move forward to pursuing that person that I know that I can be.
So here it goes....win, lose or draw!
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Just Breathe
The past 10 months have been such a trial for me. I wish I could say that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel - but I don't. I wish I could say that I was strong and unwavering - but I'm not. I wish I could say I knew why each and every thing has happened and what I was to learn from it - I can't.
What I know is that there are times when I'm not sure I can take another breath. The anxiety wells up so strong and I have learned to say " I will not fear, my trust is in the Lord. I will not be anxious because my hope is in the Lord". And saying those sentences does calm me - for the moment. But then in time those feelings are welling back up inside of me.
What I have learned in the last 12 months is being still is one of the hardest things for me to achieve. I do feel that God has been calling me to be still - to prepare me for something He has in the works. In this time of stillness, though, I have learned that I needed to get out of the way of myself in order for God to work in me and through me. I know that some of the things that were in my life back then were counter-productive to the person that I was, the person I wanted to be, the person God knew I could be, and the person God needed me to be. I had to walk away from "my life" in order to see that although my heart was in the right place my actions did not always reflect God's love. It was a hard lesson to learn - a hard thing to see through - but I know now that worldly influences were getting the better of me and causing me to stray from the life that God wanted for me.
In these last 12 months I have experienced great loss for which nothing could have prepared me for. Everyday I think about it and am reminded that life is not only short but precious and not to be taken advantage of. "The days are long, but the years are short" is a quote from the book The Happiness Project that I just adore. Is it not so true. Sometimes the days just drag on and on full of "things"to do. But yet the years we have are so short - time flies. And if we take life for granted we miss out on the great relationships that God has given to us to cherish and love and nurture. I have lost 2 souls very dear to me this past year and I long for them both every day. And I see time slipping away faster and faster for two other souls that I love very deeply as well - and must find ways to carve out more time with them so that I don't find myself deep in regret later.
My heart is full of great fears at the present - a sin, I know. The Lord tells us not to fear. Is that fear a product of my lack of faith - no I do not believe so - my faith is stronger now then it has ever been. Is that fear a product of my desires - absolutely - desires that I don't know will ever come true and desires that I don't even know what they are yet. Is that fear a product of change I feel tugging at my heart but don't know exactly what it is yet - certainly. I feel it. I feel it every hour of every day. As I said in my opening all I can do is continue to remind myself that God is with me. He is there and He has my best intentions at heart. He is there and He loves me and He wants me to be full of happiness. He wants to see my hearts desires fulfilled. I know that in the end no matter what happens I love Him and I must trust that the road no matter how curvy and hilly will lead me where He can use me.
I'm not perfect - and even on my last day here on Earth I will not be perfect. I am an ever-changing work in progress. But I do have the backing of my Lord and my Creator. Through Him all things are possible. So even when the sky is gray and my heart is heavy I know that the sunshine is just behind the clouds waiting to come out and fill me with warmth and hope.
My life is not sad - it is a work in progress. There will always be days that have sadness in them and times when we feel riddled with anxiety and uncertainty. But my hope is in the Lord and I know that tomorrow is a new day.
What I know is that there are times when I'm not sure I can take another breath. The anxiety wells up so strong and I have learned to say " I will not fear, my trust is in the Lord. I will not be anxious because my hope is in the Lord". And saying those sentences does calm me - for the moment. But then in time those feelings are welling back up inside of me.
What I have learned in the last 12 months is being still is one of the hardest things for me to achieve. I do feel that God has been calling me to be still - to prepare me for something He has in the works. In this time of stillness, though, I have learned that I needed to get out of the way of myself in order for God to work in me and through me. I know that some of the things that were in my life back then were counter-productive to the person that I was, the person I wanted to be, the person God knew I could be, and the person God needed me to be. I had to walk away from "my life" in order to see that although my heart was in the right place my actions did not always reflect God's love. It was a hard lesson to learn - a hard thing to see through - but I know now that worldly influences were getting the better of me and causing me to stray from the life that God wanted for me.
In these last 12 months I have experienced great loss for which nothing could have prepared me for. Everyday I think about it and am reminded that life is not only short but precious and not to be taken advantage of. "The days are long, but the years are short" is a quote from the book The Happiness Project that I just adore. Is it not so true. Sometimes the days just drag on and on full of "things"to do. But yet the years we have are so short - time flies. And if we take life for granted we miss out on the great relationships that God has given to us to cherish and love and nurture. I have lost 2 souls very dear to me this past year and I long for them both every day. And I see time slipping away faster and faster for two other souls that I love very deeply as well - and must find ways to carve out more time with them so that I don't find myself deep in regret later.
My heart is full of great fears at the present - a sin, I know. The Lord tells us not to fear. Is that fear a product of my lack of faith - no I do not believe so - my faith is stronger now then it has ever been. Is that fear a product of my desires - absolutely - desires that I don't know will ever come true and desires that I don't even know what they are yet. Is that fear a product of change I feel tugging at my heart but don't know exactly what it is yet - certainly. I feel it. I feel it every hour of every day. As I said in my opening all I can do is continue to remind myself that God is with me. He is there and He has my best intentions at heart. He is there and He loves me and He wants me to be full of happiness. He wants to see my hearts desires fulfilled. I know that in the end no matter what happens I love Him and I must trust that the road no matter how curvy and hilly will lead me where He can use me.
I'm not perfect - and even on my last day here on Earth I will not be perfect. I am an ever-changing work in progress. But I do have the backing of my Lord and my Creator. Through Him all things are possible. So even when the sky is gray and my heart is heavy I know that the sunshine is just behind the clouds waiting to come out and fill me with warmth and hope.
My life is not sad - it is a work in progress. There will always be days that have sadness in them and times when we feel riddled with anxiety and uncertainty. But my hope is in the Lord and I know that tomorrow is a new day.
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