When Did Sorry Go Out of Fashion

Did I miss a memo?  Did "I'm Sorry" go out of fashion?  Is it no longer acceptable to tell someone that you are sorry?

I guess I'm no longer hip or in the know, because I still tell people that I'm sorry when I've hurt them.  I feel like saying "I'm sorry" let's the other person know that I do care about them and their feelings.  We all have times when we take something to far or push a little more than we should and after the heat of the moment has died down and we've come back to our senses we should be able to clear the air and say "I'm sorry". 

Unfortunately for me, in several recent situations where I have been hurt things have not been cleared with any type of apology and frankly it has left me with quite a bad taste in my mouth.  I feel very disrespected.  I feel that my feelings were never heard or taken into consideration.  I feel like somehow my feelings and my opinions are not valid to anyone but me. 

I used to be an emotional fighter.  I still take things to heart, but I try to fight fair.  I try to leave personal out of it and just focus on the issue at hand.  I have become efficient at sifting through the petty arguments to find the root problem and expose it.  However, I think this is something many others cannot, will not, or have not learned to do.  It makes conflict very difficult for me because when you are fighting with someone who cannot take the personal out you are never going find resolution.  Because of this I have also become very good at isolating myself from those who do not try or do not wish to fight fair.  I find myself just putting myself in a bubble and drifting away from them - not because I'm angry or upset, but rather because resolution cannot be made and I have no desire to continue in a hurtful relationship.  In my life experience those people who cannot say that they are sorry, those who cannot step outside of themselves and see their destructive behavior, those who always have to be right no matter what the cause are just toxic to me and no matter how hard I may try I cannot fix what is wrong.  I think often people mistake my isolation as retreat or weakness, but I actual see it as a sign of strength. 

In my life if I do not put myself first after my faith, then I am no good to anyone.  If I walk around with toxic relationships weighing on me and pulling me down I quickly become toxic to others.  I don't want to be that person.  I want to be the person who walks around with a genuine smile on my face.  I want to be the person who gets up in the morning and feels happy to be alive and ready to face the day's challenges.  I want to model love and kindness to my children.  I want to be the person my children remember as happy go lucky and full of life. 

Life has thrown me some curve balls.  It has thrown some really hard situations my way.  It has thrown some very turbulent and hurtful relationships my way.  And it has been through these experiences that I have been able to process and learn who I am, what I need, and what I can and can't allow in my life.  I have learned to be strong for myself so that I may then be able to be strong for others.    I will no longer punish myself with toxic relationships.  I will no longer allow people to pull me down and disrespect me.  I will no longer feel bad about severing ties with those who are unable to fight fair and say "I'm sorry" because at the end of the day if you are willing to disrespect me it is probably because you disrespect yourself and that is something that I cannot fix.

Puzzles

My dad made one of the coolest puzzles when I was a little girl. It was a square made up of 9 pieces. Each piece was also a square, but not of equal size. Now, they were not of equal size but their differences were small making it harder to distinguish one from the other. Every piece fit onto a peg and each peg hole was in a different location on the square. All of this adds up to a puzzle that appeared to be simple, but actually was quite difficult. Many times you'd put a piece onto a peg and it would seemingly fit and as you put other pieces around it you'd find that it wasn't actually in it's perfect position.

So what made me think about this puzzle? Life. My life.

I often feel like one of those pieces of my dad's puzzle. There are times when I feel like I fit, but then I figure out that something just isn't quiet like it should be. I am a pretty easy going, go with the flow kind of girl. I like to hang out with lots of different types of people. I am adventurous and like to try new things. All of these things are good attributes in my opinion, but they have in a way led me to feel that I'm not sure who I really am. For example, I grew up in the country, have lived in the big city, and now lead a suburban life. Often I long for the more slow paced more disconnected life of the country, but then I visit the big city and miss it so very badly that I could move back in a heartbeat to the fast paced exciting city life. So who am I really? I truly can't answer that question at this intersection of my life.

I am a woman in search of who she is and what she believes in. I've learned many many great life lessons in the past few years and I feel like I have come a long way. I know who I was and I guess now I'm on a journey to figure out who I really am.

I am Evolving

I've been stuck. Stuck between a broken heart and a will to move forward. Stuck between knowing what I need to do and the ability to do it. Stuck inside a person I at times barely recognize.

I think the line between knowing and doing can be the hardest line to cross. In my case that line felt more like a fence, a wall. Fear was controlling me, body and mind. So many times my heart would be saying, "Go for it!", "You can do it!". However my head was saying, "Better go slowly", "What if you get hurt again?", "You may be getting in over your head!", "You're going to step on some else's toes.", "They won't like you.", "What if they don't get it?".

I didn't used to be that girl. I used to move forward full steam ahead. If an idea found it's way to my head I would find a way to give it a try. I didn't use to put so much value on what others might think. I used to be "the glass is half full" girl.

So what does this all mean? I found this quote:

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Victor Frankl

In the past two years my situation has not really changed even though I have tried to put a band-aide on things. So I think that it is time to change myself. It is time Fito stop looking at the world with a "glass half empty" mentality and start looking at all the good things. I am not perfect. I know that I will slip from time to time. But I am going to do my best to look at things with a better perspective. I am going to do my best to not let the words of others tear me down. I am going to do my best to let go of those things that I cannot change and move forward in a way where that situation changes me for the better.

1 Peter 3:8-22
8 Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. 9 Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing. 10 For, "Whoever would love life and see good days must keep his tongue from evil and his lips from deceitful speech. 11 He must turn from evil and do good; he must seek peace and pursue it. 12 For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and his ears are attentive to their prayer, but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil." 13 Who is going to harm you if you are eager to do good? 14 But even if you should suffer for what is right, you are blessed. "Do not fear what they fear; do not be frightened." 15 But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, 16 keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander. 17 It is better, if it is God's will, to suffer for doing good than for doing evil. 18 For Christ died for sins once for all, the righteous for the unrighteous, to bring you to God. He was put to death in the body but made alive by the Spirit, 19 through whom also he went and preached to the spirits in prison 20 who disobeyed long ago when God waited patiently in the days of Noah while the ark was being built. In it only a few people, eight in all, were saved through water, 21 and this water symbolizes baptism that now saves you also--not the removal of dirt from the body but the pledge of a good conscience toward God. It saves you by the resurrection of Jesus Christ, 22 who has gone into heaven and is at God's right hand--with angels, authorities and powers in submission to him.

There is a lot of hope in these verses. Remain calm. Stay the course of truth. Hold on to your hope in Christ. Do not grow weary of doing the right thing even in the midst of hardship. Stay true to Christ, stay true to yourself.

I'm making a vow to turn myself around. I am going to be a better me. I am going to look for the positives and quit letting the negatives pull me under. I am worth more than I have been giving. I have more strength then what I have been showing. I can be bold and courageous because my Savior reigns and He will never leave me or forsake me.

I have not been true to the me that He created me to be. But that is all about to change......

Living in the Gray

I have always wished that I could be a person who lived in the gray. So many people in this world do live in the gray and they seem to be so happy. Me, I'm more of a black and white girl.

I have always wished that I was they type of person who could say, "I want to live in California. I'm going to make that happen." The gray person packs up their things and heads cross country without fear or anxiety. Me, I start thinking about all the things that could go wrong. What if I can't find a job? Where would I live? How would I pay the rent? It's exhausting. My fear and anxiety definitely put a glass ceiling on adventure. My need for security and certainty can definitely put a damper on spontaneity.

The world operates in the gray. People bend the rules all the time and don't even think twice about it. People cut corners, skip directions, cheat, lie, etc and go about their day as if this is the norm. If I cut a corner I have anxiety for days wondering who saw my indescretion and what they must be saying.

Yes, I'm a black or white type of person. I believe their are rules for a reason (not that I always agree with them). I don't knowingly break rules. I see wrong as wrong and right as right. I don't believe that you knowingly lie to people and then act like you have no idea why they are upset. I don't believe that you bend the rules for some and not for all.

It can be frustrating being a black and white person in a gray world. It's hard to understand how people can say one thing and turn around and do another. It is hard to understand how people can speak out of both sides of their mouths and never think twice about it. It is hard to understand how some people can condemm others for their behavior, but turn around and do the exact same thing without guilt. Maybe if our governmental leaders took these things to heart our nation wouldn't be in such troubles.

I am not above wrong. I have done my fair share of it. But I am a person who feels like a sincere apology can go a long way. I believe that admitting when you've been wrong and making steps towards fixing it makes a huge impact.

I don't think I will ever be a person who will fit into the gray world. So I will continue to believe that right is right and wrong is wrong. I will continue to confess when I have messed up and apologize for my transgressions. However, one thing I will never be able to get over are people who can walk away believing they are correct and knowing that they have hurt someone. We are all human. We all make mistakes. True forgiveness can only come when both parties feel like they have been heard, their hurts have been acknowledged, and a common ground has been agreed upon. Without that all you have are fake smiles and surface level relationships.

Technology....argh

We live in a world today that is so connected that we've become unconnected. Remember the days when you actually had to call someone to talk to them. You had to call them to make plans, find out what they were up to. With texting and email and Facebook we are now living in a time when information is always at our fingertips. We update people on what we are doing and thinking at any given moment in the day - updates that when read by others sometimes is taken the wrong way or is hurtful because we feel left out. We now often have our arguments over email, a medium that doesn't allow for feelings or tone.

Technology while great, in many ways is hurting our relationships. Don't get me wrong, I love my technology, however I've fallen victim to it too many times to count. I've been on both sides of the hurt. I've said things that have hurt others, and I've been hurt in return.

I think often it is easier to say I'm sorry through an email. It is easier to say things that might be hard to look someone in the eyes and say. However, I don't think that a written sorry is nearly as effective as hearing it in person. When you have a face to face interaction with someone you can see their feelings on their face. You can hear the hurt in their voice. You can see the effects of what you have done. When you say you're sorry in person you can hug it out. You can right then and there bury the hurt and move on.

Yes, technology is great. It allows us to connect in ways we used to not be able to do. But technology is also a brutal attacker on relationships.

I'm still a work in progress

I'm still a work in progress. I'm working on living in the moment instead of trying to plan out what the future will hold. I'm working on let go of the heartaches and thoughts that have been weighing me down - erasing the blackboard if you will and going at it again in a different way.

Today has been kind of a rollercoaster day for me - as I think much of January will be. However, I know the challenges that I'm facing this month and I'm trying to work through my feelings and emotions proactively.

We took the kids this afternoon to play at Conner Prairie. It was the last day of the Gingerbread House display and I had been saying that I wanted to see it since it opened up in December. Wow, nothing like waiting until the last second, but we made it happen. It was a super cool display. Maybe next year we'll put in a family entry. I think it could be a really cool family tradition.

The rough part of my day came when I got to thinking about birthdays. We've got 2 big ones coming up in my family this month. My middle child turns 5 in the middle of the month and I turn a number more than 25 the day after her. Both are bitter sweet for me. I can't believe that my little peanut is turning 5. Where have the years gone. 5 seems so grown up for her. I guess she and I will always kind of have this bittersweet battle of the ages. When she turns 20 I'll hit a really big number. When she hits 30....well you see where this is going. So maybe my rough feelings really aren't about her age, but about my own. I know that age is just a number and it isn't so much about the number as it is about where I thought I'd be in my life by this number. Some big goals I had have not come to fruition and I don't know if they ever will, and that is really a hard pill for me to swallow. I have to trust that God knows what He is doing and just continue to do the best with all the blessings that I have been given. So my friends, if you see some posts about my birthday, and my feelings about my birthday just know that I'm working through it all.

It's going to be a challenging month. It's going to be a challenging year for that matter. But I am determined that I am going to come out on the other side of 2011 a more put together, self-aware, fun-loving, generous person.

A New Year

Goodbye 2010.......Hello 2011!

I've decided that I'm resurrecting my blog in 2011! When I first started this blog it brought me a lot of joy. This blog has been used as an insight into my life in many ways and through many seasons of my life. It has been a recording of many happy and wonderful moments, as well as an outlet for heartache. What will be in store for it in the upcoming year, I'm not sure. However, I'm up for the challenge.

The New Year always encourages us to examine parts of our lives that need improvement. Many people write down resolutions for the upcoming year, resolutions that most commonly quickly fall the wayside as our busy lives get into full swing. While I was driving the other morning and listening to a local radio station they were talking about New Year's Resolutions and how easily they can and often are broken. They started talking about picking a theme word for the year and working towards that word. I immediately liked this idea. And just as quickly as my mind was able to wrap itself around this concept, my word popped into my head - REBUILD. Wow! Could it really be that easy? Could this really be my word for 2011? Is this where I needed to focus my energy? I decided that before I could commit to this word for the whole year that I really should ponder it and pray over it. And so I went about my day and I have to say it was amazing how many times this word popped into my head. It seemed to me that God was showing me that this was my word. This was where I should focus my energy in 2011. So there you have it. Mindy's word for 2011 is REBUILD, sounds great right? But what does that mean? Where am I going to go with that word?

Friendships....I am going to use this year to focus on some key friendships in my life. There are definitely some relationships in my life that I have let some time and space get a hold of and I want to make a stronger effort to spend time with these dear people. I also have some newer friendships that I want to tend to and grow. As women, I think, that often we can define who we are by the friendships that we hold. Due to some past events I really had closed myself off in the last year because I questioned who I was, what I had to offer, and feared getting hurt again. However, 2011 is going to see me come out of my shell,, take some chances, and spend time cultivating strong friendships.

Confidence.....I am going to do my best to stop worrying what others think about me. I cannot control what others think and say. The only thing I can control are my actions and my words. If the things that I do and say are done and said in love then I need not worry what others are thinking. If I can spend this year focusing on doing things that build others up, I will in return be building myself up as well.

Adventure.....I am going to try new things without fear of failing. I am going to stop being scared that I might fall or that people might laugh at me. If I see something and I want to give it a try I'm going to go for it - no more excuses. I used to love this about myself and it's time to get back to that person I used to love and respect.

Family.........I am going to spend more time with my husband and my children. I am going to find things for us to do as a family and make some sweet memories.

Oh 2011, I have some big plans for you! I am planning to find myself buried beneath all the walls and disguises that I have put up over the last couple of years. I am going to stop making excuses. I am going to stop being afraid. I am going to stop living in my isolate comfort zone and step out into a world that has so much to offer. This is the year that I take back what I have lost and move forward to pursuing that person that I know that I can be.

So here it goes....win, lose or draw!

Just Breathe

The past 10 months have been such a trial for me. I wish I could say that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel - but I don't. I wish I could say that I was strong and unwavering - but I'm not. I wish I could say I knew why each and every thing has happened and what I was to learn from it - I can't.

What I know is that there are times when I'm not sure I can take another breath. The anxiety wells up so strong and I have learned to say " I will not fear, my trust is in the Lord. I will not be anxious because my hope is in the Lord". And saying those sentences does calm me - for the moment. But then in time those feelings are welling back up inside of me.

What I have learned in the last 12 months is being still is one of the hardest things for me to achieve. I do feel that God has been calling me to be still - to prepare me for something He has in the works. In this time of stillness, though, I have learned that I needed to get out of the way of myself in order for God to work in me and through me. I know that some of the things that were in my life back then were counter-productive to the person that I was, the person I wanted to be, the person God knew I could be, and the person God needed me to be. I had to walk away from "my life" in order to see that although my heart was in the right place my actions did not always reflect God's love. It was a hard lesson to learn - a hard thing to see through - but I know now that worldly influences were getting the better of me and causing me to stray from the life that God wanted for me.

In these last 12 months I have experienced great loss for which nothing could have prepared me for. Everyday I think about it and am reminded that life is not only short but precious and not to be taken advantage of. "The days are long, but the years are short" is a quote from the book The Happiness Project that I just adore. Is it not so true. Sometimes the days just drag on and on full of "things"to do. But yet the years we have are so short - time flies. And if we take life for granted we miss out on the great relationships that God has given to us to cherish and love and nurture. I have lost 2 souls very dear to me this past year and I long for them both every day. And I see time slipping away faster and faster for two other souls that I love very deeply as well - and must find ways to carve out more time with them so that I don't find myself deep in regret later.

My heart is full of great fears at the present - a sin, I know. The Lord tells us not to fear. Is that fear a product of my lack of faith - no I do not believe so - my faith is stronger now then it has ever been. Is that fear a product of my desires - absolutely - desires that I don't know will ever come true and desires that I don't even know what they are yet. Is that fear a product of change I feel tugging at my heart but don't know exactly what it is yet - certainly. I feel it. I feel it every hour of every day. As I said in my opening all I can do is continue to remind myself that God is with me. He is there and He has my best intentions at heart. He is there and He loves me and He wants me to be full of happiness. He wants to see my hearts desires fulfilled. I know that in the end no matter what happens I love Him and I must trust that the road no matter how curvy and hilly will lead me where He can use me.

I'm not perfect - and even on my last day here on Earth I will not be perfect. I am an ever-changing work in progress. But I do have the backing of my Lord and my Creator. Through Him all things are possible. So even when the sky is gray and my heart is heavy I know that the sunshine is just behind the clouds waiting to come out and fill me with warmth and hope.

My life is not sad - it is a work in progress. There will always be days that have sadness in them and times when we feel riddled with anxiety and uncertainty. But my hope is in the Lord and I know that tomorrow is a new day.

Opening the Door

Has your heart ever ached so much that you felt you couldn't breathe? Has it ever ached so much that you couldn't control the tears from rushing down your face at even the slightest pull? I've been trying to ignore my heart for months now - trying to ignore the aching - trying to fight back the tears. And in those moments when I cannot hold the tears in I cry - I cry in silence. I scream in silence. I let the tears pour down my face only in the privacy of my own darkness.

For 8 months my heart has been breaking in silent darkness. I have been trying to convince myself that I am strong. That I wasn't hurt. That it didn't matter. That I could pick up the pieces and move forward and not look back. Lies - lies I told myself because I didn't want to face the hurt. Because I couldn't face the hurt. Lies that caused me to close myself off. Lies that have isolated me and strangled my passions and zest. Lies that have left me broken and not sure who I am.

When doors close and we are afraid to open windows what are we to do? Are these the moments that build character? Are these the moments that define who we are? Who we were? Who we will become?

When my door closed 8 months ago I scrambled to try to crack windows here and there, but fear led me to close them. And silently I sat while the walls closed in on me and the person I once was became unrecognizable. The joy that once filled my heart was gone - I was left empty. Empty - trying to fill up others but falling short because my heart was devoid of joy. Every day I slipped further and further away from the person I once was. I quickly lost sight of my passions and gifts and became complacent in my loneliness.

Fear is a smooth talker - a master deceiver. It can break us down, steal our joy, and leave us empty....if we don't stand up and face it!

My husband recently brought it to my attention......that I had locked my heart up and was holding it prisoner. He told me that it was time I open some doors and stop letting fear control my life. And he is right. It is time to stand up. It is time to let go of the past 8 months and move forward. Will I forget the last 8 months - no because I have learned some very valuable lessons that will only make me stronger and more capable for the future.

It is time for me to cast off my fear and re-enter the world. It is time for me to seek out God's path and to find my passion again. It is time for me to dust off my gifts and put them back to use. Is it going to be hard - absolutely! It is going to be scary - positively. Will I stumble and fall - probably! But will I be better off for putting myself out there, experiencing life and God's plan - most definitely!

Sometimes I think that I had to become broken so that I could get out of the way of myself and make room for God to use me. I am extremely hopeful that in 2010 - God will be steering this ship. That He will be guiding my decisions, actions and words and that He will use me to make a difference in the lives of those He puts in my path.

Simplification

For Fall Break this year we took the kids to St Louis - a feat that we were not sure how it would go. Four plus hours in the car with a 5 year old, 3 year old and 1 year old could either be brave or just plain stupid. However, I have to say that we were pleasantly surprised at how well the kids did. The girls were super good and enjoyed some new treasures that came from the Target $1 bins as well as watching movies. Little J had a few times where he whined and fought sleep, but for the most part he also did very well!

We had a great time in St Louis - visiting the Arch, the Zoo, and the City Museum. It was great to get away with just Brett and the kids and enjoy life without complications. No thoughts of the world we left behind or the stresses that come with everyday life. Just a pleasant time away from reality.

The trip had gone well until a little snaffu on the way home. .......that got me to thinking................

We had loaded the van and gotten everyone settled. I pulled Lola (our GPS) out of the cubby and fired her up. I clicked the "Take us Home" button and Lola began spouting directions in her somewhat annoying voice (but the only other option is a man's voice and I certainly don't want to take directions from a man! Ha Ha!). It was raining pretty hard making travel a little more stressful then the trip in and in a panic Brett asked me to zoom out and make sure we were headed the right way. I frantically started pushing buttons - not knowing what I was doing - and low and behold we missed our exit because I had hit the volume button by accident and didn't realize it. Lola was giving us the correct directions, but we didn't trust her. Needless to say some words were exchanged between Brett and myself - each secretly blaming the other- and a few moments of silence were endured while we came to our senses. Apologies were later exchanged and we resumed our trip without further incident.

As I have sat thinking about what transpired I felt very convicted. How many times do I pray to God asking for guidance, in essence hitting the auto pilot on the GPS, only to try to take back control. All too often when I fear that I may be going down the wrong path or I feel like I may be being led in the wrong direction I "zoom out" trying to get a glimpse of the big picture and in doing so I miss my exit or my sign. I need to have more trust and give over control to God - for He has the ultimate control in my life. Those things in my life I feel like I control - are only an illusion. God has the ultimate control - I think He just let's us feel like we are in control for our own self security. :) This scenario also reminded me that I need to live more in the here and now and stop worrying so much about the big picture. Each day is a gift with many blessings to offer - and all too often I miss them because I am too focused on events to come.

My take-aways: Pray often, relinquish control over to God, have Faith that His Will will prevail, and don't overlook today's blessings in anticipation of tomorrows.

Where?

Where do you go when you are lost, when you don't know which way to go. Where do you go when you are standing all alone in the darkness without a light or a sound to guide you? Where do you turn when there isn't a hand reaching out to help pull you up?

The only place left to go is to my knees - bowed down in immediate and emergent prayer.

I ask - how did I get here? And the answer staring me in the face is that I got here by turning the other cheek. I got slapped and I turned the other cheek and I got slapped again. And so I turned the other cheek only to continually get slapped. So I ran - I ran and I ran and I ran, but all that running has gotten me no further from what I was running from then the day I started running.

My heart hurts.
I surrender....................

Apple Picking

I've been neglecting my blog lately - not because I don't have the time or the thoughts. I think it is rather I just don't even know where to start. So I'm breaking the cycle today with some pics from our recent Apple Picking weekend....

Broken

I have recently realized something about myself. I think it is something that is scary to admit and hard to fix. Maybe that is the reason that I have never let myself verbalize it or even truly ponder it. I don't let myself grieve. I may express hurt or sadness, but not for long. I bury it quickly. I tell myself that I am strong and that I need to move on and I do. However, what I am realizing is that I don't truly "move on" - I supress the feelings and bury them somewhere deep inside. Then in times when I am feeling lonely or sorry for myself these buried feelings bubble up and make me feel even more terrible.

Why do I do this to myself? Why can't I just be sad and work through my feelings? Why? Well because people expect me to be me - they don't like it when I am sad. They NEED me to be okay. They NEED me to be happy go lucky. They expect me to put on a brave face and move forward no matter what. And I have been doing it for so long that I don't know how to do anything more.

My inability to grieve properly for my losses in life leads to a host of other issues within my life - like my fear of conflict and my need to avoid it at most costs. My fear of change but the way in which I continuously seek it. It also feeds my secret anxieties. It masks my insecruities and can at times make it seem that my spirit is unbreakable. It leads to a lot of secret heartaches and vulnerabilities. It gives others the open invitation to walk all over me and to know that I will forgive them.

I think sometimes the people who we think are rock solid fortresses - those people that seem to be able to allow things to roll off of them and continue to move forward through bad times are truly tortured souls. They carry around a lot of hurt on the inside while continuing to project peace and tranquility. They put on a smile every morning before they walk out the door because that is what people expect out of them. Who would like them if they were sad for more then a day or two. Who would like them if they had problems they were trying to work through. Who would like them if they were "real". And that fear of rejection is more unbearable then the pain they carry with them every hour of every day buried deep within them.

This post makes it seem like I am a sad soul - tortured and living a life in complete disguise. That is not the case at all. What is true however is that sometimes that smile you see on the outside is a raging storm on the inside. That "it's no big deal - don't worry about it" is sometimes an internal anxiety attack waiting to happen. My feelings do get hurt. I am human.

I need to learn to allow myself to be more vulnerable around those who love me. I have a great great network of friends. I have dear dear friends who would understand if I would give them the chance to. But this life change is going to take the strength of my Faith and the love of God. Only in my complete submission of these fears and shortcomings can my life habits change and allow me to grow into the person God created me to be.

Parent Orientation

Last night I had to go to Parent Orientation for Kindergarten. I cannot believe the Jn is already ready for this! It seems like only yesterday we brought her home from the hospital.

So I go to this meeting not feeling too bad, but came out in a panic. Maybe they should serve margaritas - I know it would have helped me! I know I shouldn't feel so anxious about sending my child to school - but I'm sad. I don't want her to go yet! She is still my baby. I'm not ready for her to grow up. And I know that things will really move quickly now that she is in school. Life will never be the same!

I truly thought it wouldn't be a big deal to send her to Kindergarten. She has been in preschool for 2 years and away from me. But this is different. This is so much bigger. Preschool felt kind of like just "playing school". This is the real thing. No looking back. She is now part of the system. I know she will love it. I know she will do great! She is ready in every way that a 5 year old needs to be ready.

So why am I so afraid. Why am I so anxious about this next step? Is it a loss of control? Is it the realization that life is changing? Is it that the school years fly by? I never thought I would be that parent. I never thought I'd be the mom who cries when she puts her child on the bus in the morning for the first time. Or the mom who worries will my child find her class, make friends, be a good student, listen to the teacher, etc, etc. But I am that mom. I am that mom because I love this little girl with all of my heart and soul. I want only the very best for her. I want her to be full of joy and life. I don't want to see her heart get broken or her feelings get hurt. I don't want to see her get left out of things. I want her to have her heart's desires and to be a loving, caring and giving individual. I want her to be independent and make good decisions. I want only the very best life has to offer.

I know she isn't a "little" girl anymore. I know that she has to take this next step in her life's journey. I know that she will be strong and have fun and do well! And I know that in time my anxiety will subside. But for now I will fight every urge I have to pull her out of Kindergarten and keep her home with me for one more year.

Loving and being Loved

Lately this topic of love has been hitting me square in the face. Specifically the way we love verses the way that we want to be loved. For me I think this is something I struggle with because I see it differently then many others......stick with me...this could get complicated......

We all need love in our lives to be fulfilled - we get it from many different people in our lives in many different ways. We all show love in a variety of ways and crave love back in just as many different forms.

For me, I show love through doing. It may be a kind note or email letting you know that I'm thinking about you. It may be time spent together. It may be an offer to help you do something. I am a doer. It is who I am. I am also a lover. I think that these two things go hand in hand. I don't very often do something for someone out of obligation - I do it because it is in my heart to do it. I never offer help hoping someone won't take me up on it. I don't keep score (I've done this for you and I hope you will repay me for it). I genuinely love to help others - it makes my heart smile!

With all that being said - doers are not feelers. And this is my downfall. I am not touchy feely. I am slow to notice small details (so I'm sorry if I missed your new haircut). I don't compliment enough, probably because I have a hard time accepting compliments. I can sympathize to a point, but there is a point to which I reach the point of "Suck it up and move on!" See - this is my downfall. I think it causes hurt for others because they expect me to be a feeler.

This leads me to the question that has been circling around in my head for days ......would the world be a more peaceful place if we were able to accept love in any form in which we received it not just in the form that we expect it? I think so many times the hurts that we sustain in our relationships stem from our perception that others should love us the way we want to be loved - not in the way they have to offer love. So often this failure, the shortfall can leave us feeling let down, hurt, unloved. When in truth we are just missing what the other person is sharing of themselves.

It's a huge challenge. Human nature is not easily changed so that makes it difficult for us to offer love in a way someone else expects, wants or needs, but that we are not "made" to give. That shortfall leaves the wanter of love feeling unloved and the giver of love feeling guilty and inadequate.

So where is the middle ground? I wish I had the answer to this question. I don't know. I know that you cannot help how you want to be loved - being loved is the very existence of happiness. However, it is hard to change how you offer love too. Expecting someone to be what they are not is not fair either. So where do the two coexist?

I don't know that there can be a definite answer to this. But what I do think is helpful is being more cognisant of how others offer us love and trying to find fulfillment in that. I think if we could see those gifts of love no matter how they come wrapped we would find that our life truly is blessed and that God brings us together for very specific reasons. I don't think it is an accident that we are paired with people (be it friends or family members) who are different than us. It is those very differences that challenge us to grow.

I hope that this blog post gave you something to think about. You may totally disagree with my thoughts and that is completely okay. You may be scratching your head thinking...you know I never really thought about it that way before. I hope it will challenge you to look for the love gifts that you may have been missing! I know it is something I am going to be working on!

My Baby Turned 1

What a busy busy weekend in our household! Friday night B* and I got to go to dinner and a show all by ourselves! Oh how much fun! We got all dressed up and went downtown. We ate a very delicious meal at the Scholars Inn and then saw Wicked. It was fantastic! The music was great, the story was cool and the scenary was amazing. We had such a great evening together!

Saturday my baby boy turned 1 year old. Yes, I can't believe it! He is just getting so big! I don't like it! He is waving now and clapping his hands. He loves to talk and is saying dada of course and hi! It is just adorable. He is quite the little spitfire! He has a giant attitude, but with two older sisters I guess what can you expect, right? We had a small birthday gathering at our house with burgers on the grill, lots of yummy sides and of course cake! I love the first birthday cake! So much fun! And Jc* did not disappoint. He had it in his hair and in his ears! It was amazing. But he had a great time and that is what matters! He also made out like a bandit in the gift department scoring not only a Cozy Coupe, but also a Playhouse for the backyard!






Today B* played golf with his dad and brother so the kids and I headed up to my parents place. We went to church, then out to lunch and up to the hospital to visit with Great Grandpa. Luckily today he was having a pretty good day and seeing the kids seemed to put a smile on his face.

So it was a nice weekend! And now on to a very busy week ahead!

Just call in the Bulldozer

Wow! What a week it has been in my household. Saturday night at midnight we were woke up by Jh* who had puked all over herself and her bed. We cleaned her up and made a new bed on the floor in our bedroom and went back to sleep. We were then woke up several more times by our little angel. Poor thing! She was really sick! Then at 3am Jn* came in and was sick! OMG! We cleaned her up and the bed and got everyone settled and back to sleep. I think B* and I saw every hour on the clock from midnight on that night.

Wednesday B* started not feeling so hot and ended up staying home from work. Wow! This flu bug was taking our house by storm!

And then the dreaded Thursday came. Yep - mama was sick. I told B* I wasn't feeling well as I rolled out of bed, but thought I could tough it out. I was WRONG!!!! By 10am I was done. I called B* at work and asked him to come home and get the kids. I couldn't do it anymore. Every inch of me hurt. So by 11am B* was home and took the kids from my care. I spent all day in bed. ALL DAY! It was awful! So awful that I would use the phone intercom to call my husband and ask him to bring me drinks of water and medicine! So awful that every time I moved I cried out in pain! Oh man was this flu nasty!!!! By 5:30pm I felt like coming out of my room and headed for the couch. I was greeted by my sweet family sitting at the kitchen table having McDonalds.

I have to say my husband was such a trooper. He took the kids at a 2pm birthday party at the sprinkler park and then took them to their 4pm swimming lesson. He stopped on the way home and picked up supper and then played with the kids, got them ready for bed, and tucked them sweetly in for the night. What a guy! I was so very impressed. He told me though that he doesn't know how I do it every day! :) Yes, the life of a stay at home mom is not glamorous and at times is very difficult, but always worth it!

Today I'm still a little sluggish, but on the whole feeling much better! I HATE to be sick! Luckily it doesn't happen very often! But huge kuddos to my husband who was my Knight in Shining Armor yesterday. I love you honey!!!!

Tough Day

Have you ever thought, "if I only had x number of days or months to live how would I spend them?" I've often thought about it, but in the end it didn't feel concrete because it wasn't happening to me. I have never known anyone who got a timeframe for the end of their life - until today. Today my 86 year old Grandfather was given 6 to 9 months to live. What do you do with that information? How do you even begin to process that?

I'm so sad. I'm sad for my Grandfather - who has had a full life and is a wonderful man. A man that I have lots and lots of fond memories of. He taught me how to chew when I was just a kid (okay it was just the Big League Bubble Gum Chew - but still he taught me how to pack my cheek and spit out the juice!). I always imagined that someday he'd teach my kids. I remember countless summer nights sitting on the porch swinging with him and all those fun nights of playing cards. Oh soooo many good memories. I used to love going to see him at work. He worked at a Stone Quarry and he would take us down in the pits. It was so exciting and he just always seemed larger then life.

I'm sad for my father. I can't even begin to imagine what it feels like to lose a parent. And dad is the only living child - his brother passed away in his 20's. What a lot to have to shoulder on his own. Dad is a strong, strong man.....but my heart still aches for him and what he must be going through.

The logical side of me know that this is just life. We are all born - we all die. The spiritual side of me know that my Grandfather is saved and that He will go to Heaven for Eternity. The emotional side of me thinks this all sucks!

My Babies - 9 Months

Here are my precious angels at 9 months old.

JnM

Yes, she was a chubby little thing. Hard to believe.

JhM

I absolutely adored this little outfit!

JcM

My sweet boy - making the mamma and daddy proud in IU gear!

Happy Mothers Day

Well, I wish I could say it was a Happy Mothers Day for me. However, it was probably one of the stranger ones that I can remember. To understand the strangeness I have to start on Saturday....

Saturday morning started much like any other day. We got up, had breakfast and got ready to leave the house. B* was headed to his parent's house to do some chores for his mother and the kids and I were ready to hit some garage sales in the area. We garage saled for almost 2 hours and the kids were very good! I was actually quite amazed and pleasantly surprised. We then headed to lunch to meet some friends.....I think this is where my day started to break down a bit. Jn* dropped her glass of fruit punch which exploded and went all over the place - splattering her and her sister. Then the girls did not want to stay in their seats and Jc* was being a ball of energy too. Urgh!!!! I did have a nice visit wit my friend, although would have much prefered getting to go out sans kids.

After lunch we came home and that is when everything really went downhill! The kids were tired, but no one wanted to nap. I was franticly trying to pack, do laundry and clean the house before we lef for the rest of the weekend. It was crazy. On one of my trips to the laundry room I tripped it cat vomit (yes you heard me correctly) bringing me all the way down. My foot was throbbing, there was cat puke to be cleaned up, the kids were screaming, I needed to pack...... Seriously!!!!!! So I hobbled to the kitchen to get stuff to clean up the cat mess and then got an icepack for my foot and calmed the kids. I finished the laundry, packed the bags, took a quick shower and loaded everyone in the van. Ahhhh! At least I would have 1.5 hours of peace in the car!

I got to my parent's place and we had a nice supper together with the family. Then chaos errupted. Jh* fell and I heard a short cry and then silence......I rushed to her and she was passed out! OMG...I'm freaking out! Not again! It was nearly 1 year ago that this same thing happened which ended with a call to 911, an ambulance ride and a night of waking up every 3 hours. I picked her up and started yelling her name and she came too, but was very drowsy. I got her to sip some coke and then dad took her outside for some fresh air. Within 20 minutes she was back to her normal self as if nothing had happened.....but I'm still not back to normal. All night my mind raced...should I have taken her to the doctor? Should I wake her every 3 hours? Would she wake up in the morning? I hardly slept. My body was just riddled with anxiety.

Sunday we all got up and went to church, but upon returning home mom had to go straight to bed. She had a terrible migrane. So we had lunch without mom and the kids played with dad for a while and then we returned home.

At 9pm all the kids were still awake. Jc* was in his bed crying, Jn* was in my bed and Jh* was in her bed (but coming downstairs every 15 minutes). Urghhhh!!!! Seriously! Happy Mothers Day to me!